Although I didn't think I'd find myself...
...writing anymore posts at this location, since I've moved everything to other journal sections and haven't, actually, done much writing since my mother died, I just uploaded a new transcript to the podcasts listed over on the right in the links section: The transcript for the "Second Interview". There's a link to it, if you're curious. I'm not sure what is possessing me to finally finish transcribing the interviews and, as well, the process takes quite a bit of time so it's possible that I won't be adding transcripts hotly and heavily, but I've taken on the project, now, and expect to continue over the next few to several weeks.
    Does it bother me to listen to the interviews and hear my dead mother's voice? Not at all. I hear her voice all the time inside my head. Does it make me miss her more? I don't think so. I continue to miss her "to the umpteenth degree", as she might have said, and expect this to continue through the rest of my life. I'm just living with it, and, a year and a half after her death, a bit (not a huge amount) better than I did earlier on. I enjoy transcribing the interviews, though. I love hearing her voice and remembering all aspects of her presence. Yes, I continue to wish she was still here, beyond reason, of course, or that I was "there", where ever she is. I continue to feel slammed against the wall by the fact of death in a way I'd not experienced before her death. I used to think/feel that death was "right", or, at least, was able to accept it in the scheme of things. Now? Well, let me just say that I'll be glad when my life is over so that whatever happened to her will finally happen to me, even if that "whatever" is oblivion. Yes, I've "made new friends", gotten closer to others, but I've also, finally, faced the cruelty innate in the death of life of losing someone and experiencing a hole from that loss that will never be filled and will never not be there. This is the first time I've not adjusted to the consequences in my life of the death of others. It's okay with me if I never do, in part because, as I come into contact with others I see the hollows in their souls, now. I never did, before; wasn't even aware that soul-hollows existed. Somehow, it seems kinder that I can see and relate to those hollows, now.
    I'll post again each time I add a new transcript, of all which will be added according to the dates they were made.
    Later.
- posted by Gail Rae @ 13:24   email  this post