Oh, yeah! Forgot to mention the holidays!
    My discomfort with the holidays remains the same as it was when my mother was alive, pre- and post-our-companionship. I know that I'll be spending Thanksgiving with family in Chandler but I haven't decided about Christmas, even though I was invited for that, too. I'm thinking I may simply trip down there post-holiday, while everyone's still off, rather than endure the spate of holiday events that crop up in their lives over Christmas. Last year it was fun, but I was numb and, anyway, I loved that my mother selected and provided the Christmas dinner for that celebration. I know, if she was capable of being aware of it, that she loved that, too. This year I'm not numb and don't have a catered Christmas dinner, courtesy of my mother, to offer. I've been invited for both holidays and I haven't exactly excused myself from the main Christmas celebration but I'll probably gently suggest my idea over Thanksgiving. I want to visit at that time, just to see everyone when they aren't het up in their usual extremely busy lives and, as well, my nephew has promised to take me shooting but, you know, I don't really want to "do" the actual holidays. That's normal for me. Decades normal for me (the second paragraph in the linked article clearly states my congenital attitude toward The Holidays).
    Even though my mother was Mrs. Christmas, I don't miss that, this year. Since I rather enjoyed some of it, in fact, I don't not miss it, either. I'll be putting up one of our small fiber optic trees, the one that my mother and I loved best and had the longest. I'm looking forward to that. I'm looking forward to decorating it, too, because we collected some great mini-decorations for it. I'm especially looking forward to gazing at its light display at night in a dark house. I'm sure I'm not going to miss preparing a special dinner for Thanksgiving or Christmas, nor am I going to miss "our" questionable attempts at holiday baking. Since my mom had dispensed with "the bother" of sending out Christmas cards a few years before she died, I'm not concerned about that, either, since I NEVER sent Christmas cards.
    The hospice organization that sponsors my grief support group is holding a holiday workshop next week. As the flyer states, it will provide "specific tools and strategies" that "can help you find ways to cope and to take care of yourself" during the holidays, since this time of year can be fraught with pitfalls for mourners of all stripes. One woman in our support group had an especially hard time over Halloween. Her husband was what could be described as a holiday maniac. For each holiday, no matter how seemingly insignificant, he had a holiday themed way of awakening her in the morning. "He was quite a character," she said, wistfully, after talking about what she missed during this years' Halloween.
    Even though I'm not feeling any more than my normal holiday dread, I'm planning on going to the workshop, primarily because I like getting together with my group mates and look forward to seeing them twice, next week. Secondarily, though, our facilitator mentioned that it's not uncommon for mourners to expect to have no holiday-related challenges and then find themselves unusually overcome with difficulty; or vice versa. Although I'm expecting no new problems (I sailed through my mother's birthday [month, since, at her insistence, we always treated the entire month of August as her month] and mine without a problem), I think it might be a good idea to be prepared, just in case. I know, for instance, that, although every year, except for last year, we made it a point to spend one evening in the car touring the area in which we lived (pre-2004 it was sometimes Mesa) to dazzle ourselves with holiday light and decorative displays, I don't think I'll be interested in doing that this year. Although I love holiday light displays as much as my mother did, my chief delight during these escapades, which always took place fairly late at night when the whim hit us and we knew the traffic would be such that we could stop in front of spectacular displays and study them, was enjoying and sharing her reaction. It was an activity, too, in which I never indulged before I became her companion, so it is exclusive to our companionship. I suspect, and am uncomfortable with the possibility, that I will be prone to feel her absence in the seat next to me much too keenly for my taste. I will, however, be watching my favorite Christmas movies this year, starting with my two top favorites, Love Actually and It's a Wonderful Life. I will probably throw in a few from our collection of bible movies, as well, since my mother considered these "Holy Holiday movies" and the appreciation I developed for them, through her, has not abated nor does it carry with it any unpleasantness since she died. In early summer, in fact, I spent a few days enjoying a bible movie marathon.
    Oh, and "just in case I don't see ya," (a quote from The Truman Show), I hope the holidays are easy on you, this year; especially this year.
    Later.
- posted by Gail Rae @ 12:25   email  this post