My 10 Months of Grief-Stricken Thinking
    Wow! Hard to believe it's been so long since I've posted here. Reasons; hmmm...let's see:

• I think I've figured out why so many caregiver blogs stop after the death of the care recipient. "What is there to say after it's over?" seems to be the obvious answer but there is much to think although, for me, there has been little to think about my companionship of and caregiving for my mother and much to think about grieving her absence. Grief makes it hard to express what one is thinking, though. Some months after my mother died I joined a local grief support group. I know, I'm not a support group person but, I can tell you, I'm DEFINITELY a grief support group person. Being a part of the group I joined temporarily modified (or, perhaps "mollified") my usual urge to write about my life, thus, in this case, about grieving my mother. More about that and other grief experiences over at In Sane Grief (yes, I remain maddeningly compartmentalized).
• Around the same time I joined the support group I also became heavily involved in rallying support for health care reform within my local community and through my Legislative Rep and Senators and the President. That's been enlightening and highly discouraging, especially considering the outcome. It hasn't been canvassing for grass roots support that has been discouraging, despite what the media would have us believe about grass roots opinion. It's been working "on" the politicians and having to negotiate the media. Why would I mention this here? Well, I've been sure, for at least a few months, that my unexpected but highly understandable discombobulation from my mother's death and the end of our extraordinary adventure has had something to do with my despair over my attempts to help move this country toward reasonable, decent health care reform. It's very much akin to the what I experienced as I managed my mother's personal and medical business. I "won" for my mother, but it took enormous amounts of energy and stamina. I'm discovering that I only barely have the same for this health care reform fray. I expected my the experience I gained on my mother's behalf would be my strength. Turns out, it's a liability because, although the issues surrounding her life are resolved, the anger over what was required to keep her safe and comfortable remains. Perhaps I became involved in standing up to politicians and bureaucrats too soon after my mother's death but, unfortunately for me, the time is now, the fight continues and is even more urgent since Saturday's passage of H.R. 3962. I cannot let this go, so I'm stuck struggling with the multi-layered anger doing this provokes.
• Death business proceeds. I know, amazing that it isn't done. My sisters and I ran into a hitch in my mother's estate that demanded that we probate it, despite the revocable trust. We're having a paralegal manage this. We'd handled about a third of the death business ourselves before we encountered the hitch. Luckily, probate can be strictly "informal", a designation of the Arizona death statues, and usually is. It just involves a lot of paperwork and waiting, probably into the first part of next year. I am, however, in full control of my life despite this interminable death business.

    I STILL haven't done something that the literature and counselors and well-meaning advisers tout: Consciously redirecting one's life. I don't feel the need. Yes, there's a definitive break in my life between my mother's and my extraordinary adventure and my life now, but my life has been full of "definitive breaks" in circumstance. Assenting to be my mother's companion back in 1993 was one of those breaks. This business of negotiating breaks is nothing new. I continue take this break day by day. That's how I've always lived. It's always worked for me. Can't think of a reason to change, now.
    If you're curious about my personal grief experiences, I've just written a post covering those over at In Sane Grief.
- posted by Gail Rae @ 10:08   email  this post