Well, this just beats all!
    Guess what folks. Now we're scolding caregivers for being obsessed with caregiving, as though caregivers aren't scolded for enough, already.
    Take a look at these two links, the first of which used to lead to the second, but the links for both have changed (I've updated them) and the link in the first now leads to a dead page, so use my link to access the second, which is the feature of this post:

1. When Caregiving Becomes an Obsession, and;
2. Have You Taken Caregiving Too Far For Your Own Good?.

    Now, you have to know, I agree that there is a multitude of reasons why people give care to those who need it. Each person who finds herself/himself in the role of caregiver (including parents caring for the children they've produced) has a slightly eccentric set of reasons and some of them aren't particularly, well, noble, I guess. The less noble reasons can certainly lead to bad care situations; but, sometimes, bad care situations have other causes, as well...like, for instance, lack of resources within a community, lack of family support and lack of choice about whether one becomes a caregiver. Conversely, good care can be given in these situations, as well, and can be delivered even if the caregiver has a few reasons for caregiving that aren't noble.
    I read both articles. The second, especially, is rather like a Cosmo exposé that challenges readers to find something wrong with their lives, feel horrified and quickly fix it. Everyone has a day, here and there, when they are a pawn for articles like these. People under pressure are especially vulnerable to being told they might be doing what they're doing for all the wrong reasons, thus, they're doing it wrong and harming not only themselves but the people who are supposed to be benefiting from what they're doing. Certainly, caregivers are under tremendous pressure, whether they're part or full time, right now, in this society. Everyone's eyes are focused either on those of us who are caregivers or on the possibility that one of those everyone selves may be called to the task one day. No one I've yet known looks forward to the possibility; thus, no one looks forward, as well, to becoming a care recipient.
    With this in mind, I've decided to respond meticulously to the second article, written by Carol O'Dell, which inspired the first. PLEASE TAKE NOTE: As I wrote my reactions to the article I tried hard to respect the copyright of the original article. This caused me to set up certain reactions in maddeningly circular prose. Bear with me, please. For reference, I copied the article into my word processor and wrote my reactions to a variety of sections. To make it easier for you to keep track, I’ll mention after which paragraphs my reactions begin by number, in order. For the purpose of counting paragraphs, I am designation a paragraph any section of prose that has a space before and after it, even if the section is only one word (as it is in one case). I also numbered the bullets separately for quick reference.

Reaction after reading through paragraph 11 which introduces the concept of caregiver obsession:
    You can become obsessed with ANYTHING and use it to avoid other aspects of your own life. You can for instance, obsess over keeping your life on an even keel and not endangering your pension fund to the point of keeping you from responding to the caregiving needs of the elderly in your family, or the caregiver to that Elder One. Lots of people do this. It’s not called “obsession”, though. It’s called “leading a modern life” and the details of such living, making sure your income remains steady, making sure your immediate family and yourself come first, paying proper attention to recreation time, acknowledging ahead of time that elder care is “hard work” and making the informed decision to let others do it so you’ll be free to “enjoy” your relative “during the good times”, meet with almost unconditional approval. Lately, some people have been questioning this, but not nearly enough to get us to look at our lives within the prerogatives of our society, especially the lives of our elders, how peripheral they have become to us, and do something about this.

Reaction to paragraph 12 which introduces the concept of caregiving as a “holy grail”:
    You can ruin your health and relationships on any “noble ‘holy grail.’” You also don’t have to look at caregiving as a “holy grail”, even if it is demanding. Especially if you’re closely involved with caring for an Elder or Infirm One, you can also look on it as “life”, as a situation full of opportunity, including the opportunity to develop empathy for a stage of life that rarely has much inventive and inspired attention paid to it.
    I've met up with lots of caregivers. Lots. I've never known anyone who considers their own caregiving a search for a holy grail. I've known those who believe that caregiving has this quality but I also find that these people, if and when they become involved in caregiving, drop the quest. This point has a straw dog quality about it.

Reaction to paragraph 13 which introduces the effect of societal boundaries regarding caregiving:
    It has the ring of veracity that cultures can promote caregiver obsession, especially to women all over the world who are usually the assumed caregivers. It is also true that humans are, for the most part, hardwired to respond to life through their society. We internalize our society as one of the important components of our super ego. Even those who break away are responding to their society and are often among those who change societal dictates.
    It is also true that, although we like to think, here in the U.S.A., that we live in a “free” society in which we have the ability and the right to “choose” what we do, our “freedom” includes the necessity of taking our society into consideration and “choosing” to flow with it, buck it, or some of both. It is important to note, as well, that our society salutes those who buck it as often as it salutes those who flow with it…assuming those who buck or flow with it are successful in some way that we recognize.
    One of the things about which we are, right now, very confused in this particular society is caregiving. We are so confused about it that it is more automatic for us to be suspicious of dedicated caregivers, even as it is more automatic for us to verbally congratulate and compliment caregivers even when we have no idea whether the caregiver in question deserves congratulations and compliments. One of the things we have trouble understanding, in this society, is that society IS, fundamentally, caregiving, in such a variety of aspects that any attempt to list those aspects would be incomplete. Until we understand this we are going to continue to believe that it is not only possible but highly likely that any caregiver is “suffering” from “obsession”, if not completely than partially.
    I believe that we can always felicitously change any activity in which we are involved to “improve” the experience of that activity, for ourselves and others with whom we’re participating in that activity. I hesitate to use the word “improve” because, well, whether “improvement” has taken place despite change is always a loaded question. I believe that one of the important ways we approach and accomplish this change is by examining our thoughts, attitudes and reasoning. This is a good idea regardless of whether someone else has labeled us as “obsessing” on a particular activity.
    I’ve also witnessed the psychological harm that can occur when society loudly suggests who’s obsessed and who’s not, especially when it comes to placing that judgment on particularly vulnerable segments of the population: Slaves, for instance; service workers; women; caregivers. Pretty soon society is blaming the victim again and, as well, seeing to it that those who ply the tasks of these groups labor under conditions that guarantee the tasks won’t be well addressed. Slaves are responsible for their slavery; service workers are responsible for their low economic status; women are responsible for their over all lower status in society; caregivers are responsible for being overwhelmed. It would all be so easy, we’re told, if the victim in question would just TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR THEIR MISERY! Sometimes, conversely, this strategy works, starting with a few brave, usually obsessed (but in the “right” way, in retrospect) souls who risk much (and sometimes lose much) in order to break away. Then, much to society’s chagrin, a monumental change is effected, which then becomes the standard, and a new definition of obsession is invented.
    This happened with feminism. First we were told we were unhealthily obsessed with women’s place at hearth and in home. Then we were told we were unhealthily obsessed with women’s right to respect and reward in the work place. Then we were told we were unhealthily obsessed with having both. Now we’re being told we’re unhealthily obsessed with thinking things still aren’t quite right for women. In the meantime, 3 billion plus girls and women go about their lives, every day, doing what they must to attempt to successfully negotiate their lives, regardless of their status as women. This is pretty much how caregivers in the thick of it react. We’re busy, guys. You’re not helping. If you don’t feel you can help, get out of our way, please and keep your criticisms to yourself.
    Do I “care for” my elderly parent “too much”? Have you considered that you might “care too little” for your elderly parent, thus setting up and contributing to a situation that you judge to be “obsessive” for the family member whom you think is “caring to much” for your elderly parent?

    Since I was a caregiver who would probably, by virtue of the evidence in my journals, be labeled by this article as “obsessed”, I decided to respond to many of the questions O’Dell poses as essential inventory for determining if one is an obsessed caregiver. Those responses follow:

Reaction to paragraph 15 about whether one has been trained by controlling people in one’s life:
    My father had his moments but, overall, because we weren’t raised by innately controlling people, we either weren’t “controlled” but, rather, guided, or were not considered in need of control. In some ways, at some times in my life, with some members of our family, including me, I considered one and the other of my parents not controlling enough. I no longer feel this way, but, well, as did my father, I had my moments.

Reaction to paragraph 16 about parental requirements to be pleased by their children:
    No, I never felt as though I had to work to please my parents and might fall short. I had an overall sense that my mere existence always pleased my parents. I liked to please them but I know I didn’t always, nor did I have to please them in specific ways to maintain their love. I learned early to take a copacetic stance about this because, well, sometimes, I just had to do what I did, anyway. It is important to note that when I did things that I knew would displease my parents I didn’t do them to displease my parents. If I thought they might be displeased with something I was bound to do (refusing induction into the National Honor Society in high school, for instance), I alerted them well ahead of time, explained myself, listened to what they had to say, argued some (in the above instance I was, after all, a teenager, ripe for argument with parents) then did what I had to do and let the chips fall where they may. The chips never fell outside the boundaries of being loved.

Reaction to paragraphs 17-18 about one’s innate sense of obligation to please and need:
    Okay, agreed, we’re hardwired to want to be loved, especially by our parents and sometimes this gets in the way of us recognizing what we can provide, in the way of approval, for ourselves. Can we also agree that one cannot give oneself what one needs from others, that there are things that one cannot give to oneself without really messing up the delivery and the effect? That life can be hard, overwhelming sometimes, that one can even get a touch obsessive when others refuse to give one what one needs and cannot supply to oneself, even after one has asked for it, silently and aloud?

Reaction to paragraphs 19 - 27 detailing what one can avoid by caregiving:
    You can use ANYTHING to avoid the mentioned activities, and more. Considering that life is a delicate balance between avoiding and accepting and it takes a lot of internal wrangling with one’s desires and the desires society has for one to determine what one should be avoiding and what one should be accepting, well, so what? For instance: I have ALWAYS avoided finding a mate, a life-long, live-in mate, that is. I’ve always known that I didn’t want to be married, didn’t want to share a household with someone. There are lots of peripheral reasons for my lack of interest in sharing a household but the primary reason is that I have been, ever since I can remember, highly motivated to pursue my interests on my own. I work better (on my own interests, that is) alone, I think better alone, I get more accomplished alone. Even when I have to “work well with others” (which I do, obviously, or I wouldn’t have lasted long as a caregiver), I’m expert at concentrating on my part of the task-plied-together as though I’m doing it alone. And, yet, for 15 years I shared a household with my mother. At times during that period it became convenient for me to set aside activities that I knew were better plied completely alone. Hmmm…is something wrong with this picture? No, not as far as I’m concerned.
    You can also use all of the above to avoid becoming involved in helping to care for the elderly in your family. This, I think, happens far more often than using caregiving to avoid any of the above.

Reaction to paragraphs 28-29 about caregivers making icons out of their care recipients:
    Although I’ve heard that this can happen, not only to elder care recipients but to juvenile care recipients who are being parented, of all the elder caregiving situations I’ve glimpsed since I began my journals and searched out other caregivers, I’ve never run into this situation. I think that it would be incredibly hard for this situation to occur in elder intense needs caregiving, considering the innate sense of self most people of an advanced age have developed by virtue of simply living. Even the staunchly wishy-washy, the acutely vulnerable and the severely demented have direct ways of asserting their sense of self-possession. We often misinterpret and/or ignore these signals, we often abuse the boundaries, but they are there, nonetheless.

Reaction to paragraph 30 about being a natural nurturer:
    Well, I think we’re all clear that I have no natural propensities toward being a nurturer, except to nurture myself, which leads to one of the aspects of caregiving that gives me so much pleasure: I never imagined that I could do this, let alone do it well, let alone enter so willingly and completely into my mother’s mindset and needs for care.
    Very recently, while some members of my family were together for a week grieving my mother’s death and memorializing her life, one of my sisters caught me in the act of telling my mother’s Hospice RN, when he called his condolences, that no one was more surprised than me that I was able to nurture my mother so well because “I’m not a natural nurturer.” After the conversation she took me aside and reminded me that, despite my insistence that I’ve never been a nurturer, in casual but important ways I’ve nurtured and continue to nurture everyone I know. I think, basically, this is what everyone does. And, sometimes we are nurtured. That’s life. So, you know, we’re all capable of nurturing…sometimes we can surprise ourselves with how capable we are at nurturing.
    And, yes, some of us probably are "natural" nurturers. That doesn't mean we're also naturally obsessive.

Reaction to Bullet 1 (after paragraph 31) about caregiving duties increasing:
    Hey, people, this is the nature of caregiving for the elderly. Sure, you can get obsessive about it, just as you can get obsessive about washing your hands to avoid germs, but don’t put natural tendencies out there as a reason for caregivers to identify themselves as obsessed.

Reaction to Bullet 2 about judging what duties are necessary:
    When others questioned what I did as my mother’s caregiver, I’d take their concerns into consideration, sometimes I’d notice that they had good points and use those. My consideration, though, always included whether that person had ever cared for an Ancient One who was at least as needful as my mother and whether that mattered.
    It is delightfully surprising what tweaks you can pick up from someone with a fresh, outside view. One of my sister’s suggestions, for instance, which should have been obvious to me but wasn’t, is a good example: That in order for my mother not to lose her balance when putting on her pants, she should sit down to put her legs through them and pull them up above her knees.
    On the other hand, some suggestions from non-caregivers can be just plain stupid. I’ve got an excellent and recent example of this. Someone noticed that my mother’s wheelchair height doesn’t allow for her to sit at the table using the wheelchair, thus making it necessary to have her transfer from the wheelchair to a dining room chair. The person suggested that I put the table up on blocks for her.
    First of all, our dinette is small. The table is moved around, a lot, for a variety of reasons, not just for my mother. I’m sorry, I responded, I’m not going to hoist the table onto and off of blocks every time it needs to be moved.
    Besides which, she and I both were/are short. How were we to compromise between optimal wheelchair height for her versus chin level height for me, especially if she was perfectly capable of transferring from chair to chair and the exercise was good for her?
    Thirdly, the only meal we ate at the dinette table was breakfast. Any and all others were eaten in the living room, her with her bedside table, me with a table made out of a box. We preferred it this way. We liked to watch TV or movies during dinner. The arrangement also allowed for me to be physically close to her so we could talk about what we watched during dinner. No blocks needed for this. She was wheelchair bound for the last four days before she died, when she wasn’t bed bound. We ate the one meal we shared during that time in the living room. It was not, as well, uncommon for us to breakfast in the living room a la dinner arrangements if there was something my mother was keen to watch during breakfast. During the last meal of her life she was keen to watch one of her favorite Christmas movies. That’s what we did.
    What’s interesting is that the person who suggested blocking up the table is a caregiver spotter for his sister, who takes care of their mother. He doesn’t live in close proximity, though, he steps in and helps out a few times a year, so he isn’t trained to see an in-home situation with an in-home caregiver’s eye.
    So, you know, others aren’t always the best judge of whether what you’re doing is “necessary”, especially if they aren’t involved in the caregiver game in the way you are.

Reaction to Bullet 3 about caregivers ignoring their health:
    I didn’t ignore my body or my health, from my point of view...but I also didn’t treat it any differently than I did when I was not caregiving for my mother. I realize there are caregivers who do this. It’s rampant among “ordinary” parents as well as caregivers to the elderly and infirm. It is, in fact, rampant among lots of people in this country, right now, whether or not they are formally identified as caregivers. My feeling is that this has more to do with the intractable unavailability of decent, cost effective, appropriate medical care than it has to do with a willingness of caregivers to subsume their needs to the needs of another.
    At any rate, aren’t we still allowed to choose how we handle our health? Or has this changed and it is now illegal if we don’t manage our health the way the medical-industrial complex would like us to manage it (which, of course, is primarily in the interest of their bottom line, secondarily in the interest of our vitality)? And, what about national health insurance? Wouldn’t that solve a lot of this problem?

Reaction to Bullet 4 about taking no time off from caregiving:
    I took five days’ respite at the end of May. I swore I’d never do that again. My mother ended up with a bedsore, her appetite dropped through the floor and she was mostly immobile because the few caregivers at the facility were so busy they couldn’t really interact with new clients.

Reaction to Bullet 5 about dwindling relationships:
    I’ve lost some friends. I’ve gained some friends. Family relationships have evolved, sometimes, but not always, due to periods of caregiver strain because of lack of help. But, you know, I can’t see how that’s different than before I was a caregiver. When I realized how inflexible some of my friends were to my role as my mother’s companion and caregiver, I also realized I was well rid of them. The ones who “got it” remain friends. My family members remain my best friends.

Reaction to Bullet 6 about caregiver’s perceptions that the rest of the world has become alien territory:
    Well, goodness, I had the outside world in common with the outside world, and the outside world is full of caregivers! Please!

Reaction to Bullet 7 about feeling that others don’t understand the caregiver plight:
    Oh, I think people “understand”, all right, which is why many make themselves so scarce.

Reaction to Bullet 8 about taking pride in caregiving:
    When someone congratulates or compliments me on the quality or the fact of my caregiving, although I graciously accept the comments, I wonder how they would know, since they didn’t live with us. The people I’ve fostered as friends aren’t prone to these kinds of pronouncements. As well, I don’t care if I’m caught in someone else’s headlights in a situation where someone might tell me I’m a great daughter or caregiver. It’s not uncommon for me to hear this, but I take it with a grain of salt. I repeat, how would they know?
    However, what is wrong with taking pride, even a deep sense of pride, in being complimented for caregiving, especially if the compliment is coming from someone who is aware of what you’re doing? Is there, as well, something wrong with wanting recognition? Seeking it? In all other aspects of our lives we are counseled to work for reward, extrinsic and intrinsic. Why are we suspect if we do this when we give care? Doesn’t the suspicion seem suspicious? Granted, one can go overboard in seeking recognition…in any endeavor; it’s one of the risks of living in a reward obsessed society. But, really, how often does this truly happen and, conversely, how often do those whose approval you are soliciting turn weary of congratulating you on something they aren’t doing but think they probably should be doing?

Reaction to Bullet 9 about not sitting down when one’s in the thick of caregiving:
    I’m great at sitting down. Lots of the duties of caregiving can be done sitting down. I became very creative with this.
    The implication of this bullet, though, is that the intense needs caregiver is particularly weak at determining when things need to be done and when it would simply be nice if things were done but not necessary. I have a sneaky feeling that, over all, caregivers learn the difference very quickly and use it to their advantage. Here’s another one of those warnings that likely applies to very few but to which many respond inappropriately and suddenly find themselves with something to do that may not be necessary: Becoming obsessed with wondering if your behavior as a caregiver is appropriate.

Reaction to Bullet 10 regarding lack of sleep:
    Recently during my mother’s last days alive on earth, although it had never happened before, it became necessary for me to sleep on a severely interrupted schedule to negotiate her need for medication to address her air hunger and the possibility of pain due to air hunger. As I negotiated this I often thought of the many times my mother responded to the needs of her children in the same manner. This reminded me that parenting and elder care are not the only circumstances within which interrupted sleep and lack of sleep can occur. All good friends experience this. All employees experience this. Anyone who is trying to maintain relationships, employment and schooling experiences this. Sometimes there are ways around this. Sometimes there are not. You do what consider you have to. It doesn’t help to have someone blame you for not getting enough or the right quality of sleep. Better those who are concerned consider stepping into your shoes for a bit and allowing you some extra sleep. I’ve had people do that for me, without asking. It’s important to have this done for you without asking because, typically, if you’re in this type of cycle, you’re too damned busy and exhausted to ask for a break.

Reaction to Bullet 11 about being afraid of life after intense needs caregiving:
    Wrong. I considered plans…and wondered how I’d react to my mother’s death, sometimes with foreboding, sometimes with anticipation. I was acutely aware, though, that I would not be able to formulate any plans with any degree of accuracy and appropriateness until I was firmly past caregiving, and I allowed for that.
    What I did fear was being left homeless and penniless after caregiving, needing time to recover from the natural exhaustion of caregiving and not having the environment within which to do this. This happens to lots of caregivers; the statistics back this up. It is a legitimate fear. It is, often, also, not a situation which is easily addressed when someone is in the thick of caregiving. This is not the caregiver’s doing. This is our society’s doing.
    I did have one after-caregiving plan upon which I was, and remain, firm: I have no desire to ever do this for anyone again and I am going to try hard to keep that plan active. It’s just too dicey an activity in this society, right now.

Reaction to paragraphs 32-33 about fear of being a bad caregiver and fear of consigning one’s care recipient to a care facility:
    I can’t imagine anything anyone might find out about me, as a caregiver or in any other role, that I’m “afraid” they’ll find out. My mother died on my watch. I expected her to do this. I wanted her to do this. She wanted to do this. I was intensely curious about her eventual death, in fact, and relished that I would be there when she died.
    As long as I functioned as her caregiver, I worked hard to keep my mother out of “one of those places”...even when she was on the brink of death. She’d been in a couple for rehab and one when I was on respite. I’ve also known several others who were cared for in facilities, of all types. I was determined, after our experiences and those of others, not to entrust her to any of “those places” again. This is not obsession. This is informed compassion.

Reaction to paragraphs 34-35 regarding being driven by fear:
    I don’t think I have a driving force that’s based on fear. The things I fear (none of them having to do with my mother’s care) don’t actually drive me. I seem to have a an intolerance to operating under directives of fear. If all I can muster is fear, I try not to do anything until the fear subsides. If I had to do something while caring for my mother before the fear subsided, and, sometimes, I had to, I relaxed, did it and trusted my sub- and unconscious operations to negotiate the fear and get me to a place of “No Fear”. It always worked.
    Let’s face it, folks. We’re hardwired for fear, as well. No way to avoid it. It's a survival mechanism. Lots of ways to negotiate it. Despite the famous directive, it makes no sense to fear fear. That’s just one more fearful circumstance you have to negotiate.

Reaction to paragraph 36 about not being hard on oneself:
    I did cut myself slack. Quite a bit. More than most, probably, sometimes after a stringent review, but I still did it. I am my own best friend, always have been, always will be, so, of course, I cut myself slack. In my experience, even if someone thinks she or he isn’t his or her own best friend, s/he is probably not paying attention to the invisible things s/he does every day to protect him or herself. Caregivers do millions of these things. They have to. The amount may be insufficient at one time or another...maybe over the entire span of their caregiving career, but in the main I think most caregivers actually do cut themselves a lot more slack than observers give them credit for. This doesn't mean that they couldn't do better, but it certainly doesn't mean that they're obsessed, any more than any other U.S. citizen is obsessed with aspects of life here.

Reaction to paragraphs 37 feeling like a fraud while simultaneously feeling like a hero:
    I have never thought I was “the best caregiver in the world”, even in my Super Caregiver stages. I wasn’t interested in being “the best caregiver in the world”, nor did I ever feel like a “sham”. I never felt that I could never do enough. I think I was very competent, thank you, over the last several years, both with my own life and my mother’s. Although I occasionally had doubts, I was not afraid to the point of actual refusal (sometimes I mentally refused, but I never actually refused) to face any caregiver situation that might crop up.
    However, I recently encountered a social worker when my mother was last in the hospital who not only didn’t believe me when I told her this, she reported exactly the opposite on my mother’s chart and used it to label my mother as a case of “failure to thrive”, when she wasn’t, thus delaying the discovery of her pneumonia for four critical days. I think those on the fringes of caregiving are much more apt to think caregivers suffer from the above problems than caregivers are apt to suffer from them. From the above experience, as well, I know that PROFESSIONALS DON’T LISTEN TO CAREGIVERS BECAUSE THEY THINK CAREGIVERS ARE TOO INVOLVED TO BE ACCURATELY AWARE OF THEIR OWN SITUATIONS!!!!! They’re wrong about this, and in being wrong, they create yet another problem for caregivers needing support.
    I managed my life well as a caregiver, from my perspective. I am aware, though, that I resent having to manage the world in order to allow myself to live how I wish. This, though, is a life-long attitude. It has nothing to do with caregiving.

Reaction to paragraph 38 regarding the self-perception problems inherent in caring for someone with dementia:
    While freely admitting that my mother had Dementia-Lite, thus I am not qualified to speak on behalf of those caring for someone who seems alien and unapproachable because of the status of their dementia, I also admit that I enjoyed my mother’s dementia and sometimes entered into it. I occasionally wonder if this may be why hers didn’t progress much and didn’t throw our lives out of whack. I didn’t worry about countering it. What could be fixed was fixed. We lived with what couldn’t be fixed. Life is life. My mother did her life. She needed help during the last stages of her life. Lots of it, partially because of dementia, but there were other issues involved in her need for help, as well. I helped her. I figured, may as well enjoy her, and myself, while I did that. If that's obsession, than, okay, call me obsessed..."call me...irresponsible...", oops, I think I hear my mother singing...

Reaction to paragraph 39 regarding internal arguments for continuing to give care as you are:
    I had no resolute arguments for or against what I did.
    I often disagree with others over the definition of “well”.
    I’m agnostic so I don’t believe that some god somewhere is primarily responsible for and judging the direction of my life.
    When I considered that what I was doing for my mother was “right”, I also considered that I never do the “right thing” unless it feels right for me. My mother was a delight for me to know through all the phases of her life, and mine. We’ve been lucky, that way. I have a great deal of sympathy for people who find themselves in the potential or actual position of taking care of a difficult parent in the context of a difficult relationship, but I don’t have any expert advice...I’ve never experienced this. Perhaps such caregivers are more prone to obsessing about caregiving, but I wouldn’t bet on it. What I would bet is that the former caregiver who wrote this article thought she obsessed, overly so. Maybe she did. Maybe, though, she’s looking at what she did as a caregiver from the wrong perspective.

Reaction to paragraph 40 regarding the end of caregiving duties:
    Caregiving duties don’t ever end. They are intimately intertwined in all our relationships. Sometimes we pay attention to them. Sometimes we don’t. As a member of the human species, life is about caregiving. Some societies go overboard in this, particularly in regard to assigning caregiving duties to the most vulnerable members of their society. Others, like the one in which I currently reside, are also afraid of caregiving duties never ending. Some, I hear, strike the right balance for a time. As individuals we are always in a state of flux in regard to caring for others, allowing them to care for us and caring for ourselves. As humans, caring is hardwired into our genes. Don’t tell me that caregiving duties end. They transfer. They evolve. They don’t “end”. The best of societies work with this. The worst don't. One of the problems with my current society is that we think that caregiving, in any context, is at its best when it is least required. Bullshit, I say. Why? Because, even in this atmosphere, even with the difficulties inherent in giving care, all kinds of care, even in the face of great risk, we continue to do it, we continue to think about doing it. We continue to worry about doing it. All of us.

Reaction to paragraphs 41-46 regarding attempting to achieve perfection as a caregiver:
    Here’s one point on which I agree; perfectionism is deadly to caregiving. I’ve always tended to approach tasks, any kind of tasks, household tasks, interpersonal tasks, creative tasks, with a vision and an analytical, meticulous attitude toward achieving that vision. I’ve also tended to enjoy the doing as much, sometimes more, than the review of the product after the task has been completed. I’m good, when overloaded with tasks, about doing task triage and abandoning the it-would-be-nice-but-it’s-unnecessary tasks. I’m also very eccentric in my decisions about what’s unnecessary and flexible about allowing myself to be satisfied with a change of vision. All these helped me be an on-point companion and caregiver to my mother. It also helped me realize and relish the attitude that we were doing our lives, separately and together, versus me doing hers and not doing mine. This is probably the most important and valuable strategy I used while doing life with my mother. This attitude also helped me avoid the Perfectionist Trap.
    If you're a perfectionist, do whatever you can to disabuse yourself of the notion that perfection is desirable and needed in caregiving. This article's mental technique is a good one. There are others. Find the one that suits you. Don't make the mistake, though, of thinking you're unhealthily obsessed with caregiving when you are simply obsessed with perfection. Avoiding this mistake will ensure success in counteracting your obsession with perfection.

Reaction to paragraph 47 regarding choosing one’s attitude and the character of one’s existence:
    I think we take this a little too far in our society and use it to blame the victim. We still don’t truly understand the concept of victimhood; nor do we have a clear idea about whether victimhood can be avoided. But, we act like we are experts on both. Where, though, did we get the idea that victims are necessarily obsessed?

Reaction to paragraph 48 regarding dealing with life’s inherent tendency toward chaos:
    Of course chaos sometimes rules! Every intense needs caregiver knows this in her/his bones. Why are we being singled out as not knowing or paying obeisance to this?

Reaction to paragraph 49 about whether to bathe one’s care recipient daily:
    Well, it depends on the purpose of the bath. I used our daily bath time to do a number of things that are important to everyone:

• Skin exfoliation and stimulation, which was covered not only by washing but daily application of lotion, both during bathing and later in the day. Bob Hope attributed his long life to daily massage. Before I came to live with my mother I heard a news report on the radio claiming that people who receive daily massage, even with no more than a bath brush in the shower, tend to live longer and healthier. I say, this is a good reason to consider some form of daily bath or rubdown essential.
• The forty-five minutes to an hour that we spent in the bathroom started our day with a spirit of intimacy and humor and allowed both of us to unfold easily into the “up” part of Mom’s day. In particular, my mother, like many older people, took awhile to get moving. The gentle movement implicit in the entire bathing procedure helped lubricate her “tired old bones”.
• It allowed me to observe and investigate how she was doing from day to day, what conditions needed more or less attention and what moods each of us were in as we started the consciously together part of our day. It also allowed both of us to gently and easily adjust to one another as we began our day.
• There were many times when we observed a shortened bath but, because of her incontinence, there were portions of her morning bath that always needed to be performed. In addition, if we decided to forgo the actual washing and rinsing of certain parts of her body, the lotioning was always performed. My mother had a say in these changes. It was one of the ways in which she was allowed to feel that she had some control over her life.
• Whether short or long, the daily bath routine kept us, literally, in touch with one another. I considered this as important as the skin exfoliation and stimulation aspect.

Reaction to paragraph 50 regarding easy meals:
    Of course easy meals are fine! It is also important to observe dietary restrictions and inclusions if and when these are critical. Sometimes, frankly, it’s easier to do the whole meal deal than it is to try to figure out how to incorporate easy but potentially dangerous foods into your care recipient’s diet; but, usually, after negotiating a few easy meals, you develop an appropriate repertoire. So, you know, if we caregivers don’t always take the easy way out, do us a favor, caregiver advisors: GET OFF OUR ALREADY BELEAGUERED BACKS!!!!

Reaction to paragraph 51 regarding letting chores go, occasionally:
    Sure, leave chores at night, assuming you don’t mind adding these chores to your usual morning chores. Let’s be realistic about this, people. If and as caregiving intensifies, sometimes it’s easier to do the stuff on a schedule. This isn't obsession, this is smart management.

Reaction to paragraph 52 regarding allowing others to care for your recipient while you take a break:
    Take respite, absolutely, assuming that respite care is not going to discombobulate your care recipient’s mental or physical state and leave you with issues with which you wouldn’t otherwise have had to deal. It was, for instance, not okay with me that when I left my mother with others, individual caregivers and facilities, I always had either to rescue her from or intervene in a potentially dangerous situation and/or clean up a mess. It was not okay with me, for instance:

• that one professional caregiver with excellent references and a natural rapport with my mother left her alone in her yard for most of the two hours Mom was with her, which confused and frightened my mother;
• that another allowed her to nap on an examination table about three feet in the air that my mother was attempting to descend on her own when I arrived to pick her up. This took place after a back injury of which the professional caregiver was aware;
• that she developed her only bedsore under the care of professional caregivers;
• that she lost her appetite and her sparkling approach to life because she and I weren’t eating together when she was under the care of professional caregivers;
• that she developed severely dry skin, dehydration, and severe constipation which required frequent laxatives under the care of professional caregivers.

    I don’t consider this a problem I created as a caregiver. I consider this a problem our society has created and with which it has left the caregiver to deal. Bad politics, people, not obsessive caregiving.

Reaction to paragraph 53 regarding it being okay to take classes while one is caregiving:
    It’s also okay not to do this if it gets in the way of caregiving requirements. I signed up for a once a week class in 2002. Two of my sisters volunteered to care for my mother for the week it took me to prepare for the class by reading the required material. Two weeks later my mother had a health crisis that required extended out-of-town medical and in home care and I “chose” to drop the class. Although my taking the class and her health crisis were not related, it was important for me not to resent the fact that my desires were interrupted by her needs. If your choice to take a class is working, continue. If not, it’s okay to “choose” to ditch the class. You are not an obsessed caregiver if you do this. You are a compassionate, responsible caregiver.

Reaction to paragraph 54 regarding lunching with friends:
    No problem with this one. But, don’t feel obligated to do this if you don’t want to; in other words, don’t do it because you are afraid you’re not taking care of yourself “correctly”. Some people aren’t lunchers; and, as well, some people are natural loners and would rather not spend free time with others, especially if their un-free time is always spent with their care recipient.

Reaction to paragraph 55 regarding handling your care recipient’s medical appointments:
    It’s important to know when follow-ups are necessary or routine; and when doctors’ advice and desire for further investigation would be worse than the condition being addressed. Mom’s constant doctor worked with us on this. Some doctors don’t. I know. I was responsible for having my mother dismissed by two doctors who wouldn’t work with us. Due to the current medical climate in this country, it is often not possible to find a doctor who will work with you. I know it’s maddening and frustrating and difficult, believe me, but it’s worth it to be acutely aware of the medical stuff being done to your care recipient and risk the displeasure of the doctor over the safety and well-being of your care recipient.
    When caring for someone who is elderly it is imperative to be aware of the fact that medicine hasn’t collected an awful lot of data about what is medically appropriate for the elderly and most doctors, whether or not their specialty is geriatrics, often have a much less accurate sense of what is medically appropriate for your care recipient than you do. This is not obsession. This is, unfortunately, what it takes for anyone in this country, right now, to receive appropriate medical care.

Reaction to paragraph 56 regarding being courageous enough to recognize that you are an obsessed caregiver:
    Oh, absolutely! It’s also okay to make a conscious decision that what others might consider going “too far” in caregiving is exactly the right distance for you...then, not stress about this. Block out the advisors and do it your way. You’ll reduce stress.

Reaction to the last two paragraphs regarding summing up how to live your own life and give care:
    How about building a life that includes caregiving? This is one of our problems, at this time in this society. We continue to think of caregiving as separate from our lives, intrusive in our lives, destructive to our lives, an activity that deserves no real honor, little creative thought, less help and abysmally low wages and benefits if it’s done professionally. We continually interpret and cite statistics and anecdotes about the stresses and hidden wages of caregiving to the caregiver. We continue to believe that the elderly and infirm are “in decline”, instead of considering, for instance, that they are on a journey that requires more outside oversight than our own...and continue to use this as evidence that it’s “okay” to allow our own eccentric needs to trump those of the care recipient. We continue to believe that caregiving doesn’t need to be an area of societal focus, priority and recompense.
    Is it any wonder that caregivers appear to easily become obsessed? Is it any wonder that we are quick to label dedicated, meticulous care as “obsession”? Is it any wonder that when caregiving becomes a priority within a family, the family members approach it with dread and an eye to management rather than with curiosity, excitement, an eye to observation and the desire to follow, protect and embrace the potential care recipient, rather than lead, manhandle and dictate the life of the care recipient?
    The obligation to change this should not rest with the caregiver already ensconced in the currently tricky, risky atmosphere of intense needs caregiving in this society. We’re too busy, too involved with the hands on, day to day necessities of this kind of caregiving. The obligation should rest with those who are observing the particular caregiver who is struggling to stay afloat and keep her/his care recipient afloat. The obligation should extend to such areas as making sure that respite care is always worry free for the caregiver and complimentary to the care recipient; that we don’t automatically blame dementia for care recipient recalcitrance; that we don’t blame the caregiver for caregiver stress and leave the resolution of that stress up to the caregiver; that we don’t forget that creative, complimentary care arrangements shouldn’t be left up to one person but should involve everyone who is aware of the care recipient; that the primary caregiver isn’t the only one in our society who should need to adjust her/his life to embrace, love and protect the care recipient; that the caregiver shouldn’t need to ask for help...help should be a given, as soon as the potential for intense needs caregiving is recognized.
    Is someone provoking you to question whether you’re an obsessed caregiver? If so, the one strategy you can employ to make sure that their obsession doesn’t override your life is, DON’T OBSESS OVER SOMEONE ELSE’S OBSESSION!

    Finally: My apologies for obsessing over this article.

FOOTNOTE: This is one of the posts in draft that I didn't have a chance to finish before my mother died. I started it and wrote most of it on December 3rd and 4th.
- posted by Gail Rae @ 20:53   email  this post