Something I want to mention before I forget...
...it seems significant and I'd forgotten to mention it when it happened: It took place during the period about which I wrote during the 05:50 post a little over 24 hours before her death. Just after talking about the dehydration issue, whether she wanted to go to the hospital and I was desperately trying to interpret her responses so I could do what she wanted, at some point during that interval she mentioned to me that "something isn't right", referring to her body and how it felt. I remember asking her leading questions for further definition...isolating specific parts of her body, questioning her about the existence of symptoms that have been typical in the past when she's had dehydration issues, anemia issues, over-hydration issues, etc. None of these rang a bell with her. I remember asking her if she was "afraid" of how she felt. She wasn't, just puzzled by it. I remember asking her if she wanted a nurse to come out and check her over. She didn't.
    Now that I think about it in review, that was probably the turning point; when her body made the decision to go in the opposite direction, even as she was determined to keep herself directed toward living.
    Just wanted to mention that.

    Got a lot of after-death business done today, even though I avoided picking up where I left off, yesterday, with the boxes. At this point, now, almost everything involves the attachment of a death certificate. I ordered a second garbage dumpster from the city for our house. People are required to keep seconds at least three months. I'm sure I'll have no problem utilizing it the full time. As I've been going through boxes, I'm collecting a mass of material that can safely be shredded or just tossed. Since we've got a shredder and I'm not "otherwise employed", no reason not to do this on my own. Besides going through boxes of files and locating two more documents that will help ease matters, I'm beginning to think in terms of what to do with things like clothes. Some can clearly be donated...some, cannot. I've also got to do a little research on how to dispose of mattresses and box springs. These are not usable without plastic zippered covers, which we've been using. I'm hoping, within a few months, I can empty our professional shed directly into Mom's room and start going through that stuff.
    So, in effect, my job companionating Mom hasn't actually ended, yet. Although going through all this stuff is so emotionally dizzying that I'm finding, at this point, at least, that I can't just plow through it in one fell swoop like a mule attached to a hoe, I'm actually enjoying the review involved in doing this. As well, I'll have to start compiling tax documents next month, so it's a good idea to get through as much of this as I can stand right now.
    In the meantime, every morning I awaken with the intention of writing each of you, including relatives, who've been keeping an eye on me, here, commenting, and acknowledging Mom & me at your sites. I'm not sure why I can't just sit down and write those acknowledgments...I have plenty for which to thank all of you and am determined to personally touch base with all of you...but, I don't know, even though I'm actually accomplishing a few things, here, there's just all this damned sand around here...forgive me my current lapses. It seems, no matter how hard I ever thought being with Mom was, at certain times throughout the last 15 years, none of our life together was ever as hard as it is being without her.
    I think of each of you every day...and hope you know that I will get back to you...without fail, but not as quickly, probably, as I'd like to think...
    ...later.
- posted by Gail Rae @ 20:21   email  this post