I just discovered that the evening of the day my mother died...
...was also the evening of the last episode of Boston Legal, a television show that my mother and I heartily loved and about which we heatedly and happily debated.
    Yesterday evening, after yet another period of doing after-death business for a couple of hours and becoming so overwhelmed (not crying, mind you, but sodden of spirit) by the fact of my mother's death that I had to stop and breathe different air, for awhile, I decided to catch up on missed episodes of Boston Legal that I'd recorded over the last some weeks. There were four episodes I recorded that we didn't watch, no doubt because it was somewhat over four weeks ago that my mother became enchanted with Hallmark holiday movies.
    I was astonished to discover that in the series finale, a two hour extravaganza of provocative opinion and situations, the two main characters, Alan Shore and Denny Crane, married one another. It wasn't the fact of their marriage that surprised me...if you've been watching the series their marriage was the logical next step. What surprised me is that, as I watched this story line play itself out, I realized that my mother would have loved nothing more than to be confronted with this resolution to Alan's and Denny's relationship and the episode would probably have provoked a startling quantity of conversation between her and me, during and after the episode. She and I fairly frequently discussed the fact that our relationship was far more like that of spouses than any conceivable evolution of the mother/daughter relationship...or, for that matter, the caregiver/care recipient relationship.
    This morning I searched through all sections of these journals looking for the word "spouse", figuring that, considering how often we discussed our relationship from this point of view, and, as well, how often I referred in casual conversation with friends and relatives to this aspect of Mom's and my relationship, surely I would have mentioned it in the journals. Oddly, I didn't. Maybe I was so used to thinking of us this way that it flew beneath my reporting radar.
    Never mind. As I watched the development of this plot I found myself nodding along with every point Denny used to, first, convince Alan that this idea was reasonable and, second, that Alan used to argue, before a judge, against an injunction that the "Massachusetts Chapter of the Gay and Lesbian League" had issued in order to stop Alan's and Denny's marriage. Although, superficially, economics and proxy were the two reasons most advanced by the two for pursuing marriage to one another, in the conversation surrounding this topic it was obvious that the two would not have considered seeking this union if they hadn't had such a strong emotional bond and didn't consider themselves partners in spirit. Mom and I fairly frequently considered that if we'd been able to have our relationship legally sanctioned certain aspects of our life together (which was also based on deep emotional ties, interdependence and interpersonal celebration) would have been easier, particularly my medical advocation on her behalf. I can't tell you how many times, including a couple of times during her last hospital stay, my Health Care and General Durable Powers of Attorney were ignored or overridden because this nurse or that physician refused to believe my version of our history together, my knowledge of her medical history and chose not to heed my recommendations on her behalf. In one case I was barred from being with my mother immediately when she reached the emergency room. Later, I was barred from seeing her chart because the medical personnel handling her case felt they were righteously protecting her from my interference. Although no permanent harm was done and both attempts at defense were eventually abandoned, a great deal of temporary harm was done and appropriate medical oversight and treatment were delayed because of this problem. As well, this situation led to missuppositions and blatant lies being written into her chart that have yet to be corrected. Had Mom and I been "married in the eyes of the law", I doubt these problems would have occurred.
    There is much to think about when it comes to the relationship between an elder and a younger related caregiver, particularly when the two are intertwined in an intense partnership like Mom's and mine. I have no doubt but what relationships like ours flourish all over the place...but are the caregiving relationships which aren't usually acknowledged because, well, most parties involved in these relationships are too busy "relating" in order to keep lives together and running smoothly and many don't have the talent for running off at the fingers that I possess.
    At any rate, although some of the conversation I transcribed may seem, at first blush (yes, this story line was clearly angling for audience blushes), not particularly apropos to partnerships such as the one Mom and I enjoyed, I've decided to publish all the dialogue in this episode involving Alan's and Denny's marriage as a tribute to Mom's and my extraordinary partnership. Keep in mind that, in our own version, many parts of these pieces of dialogue echo conversations that Mom and I had about our partnership; including the segment about who's the "leader". Other parts do not apply specifically, but the underlying motivation echoes ours. Pay special attention to the last section of dialogue, which blurs the line between spouses, parents and children.
    I'm guessing, but I'll bet that you can also watch this episode at Boston Legal's official website. I tried to confirm this but, in order to do so, I would have had to download the ABC episode player and I didn't want to do that.

Legend of Character Abbreviations:
A: Alan Shore
D: Denny Crane
S: Shirley Schmidt
J: Both the judge presiding at the injunction hearing and Judge Scalia, who officiated at the wedding
P: Mr. Pinnard, representing the organization bringing the injunction against Alan's and Denny's marriage
C: Clerks at the marriage license bureau and in the office of Crane, Poole & Schmidt

Subject of Marriage Introduced
D: Alan I want to ask you something, and, uh, you may think this is crazy but I want you to think about it.
A: Okay.
D: Will you marry me? I know the sex is lousy but...it's legal in Massachusetts, same sex marriages. And there are going to be decisions ahead. Medical decisions, that a spouse gets to make if I should become...
A: Denny, you can stipulate that in a living will or by proxy, we don't need to get married.
D: There are other reasons. Last night I climbed into a neighbor's bed. And I shot a few Chinese, although I don't apologize for that. How many times have I been arrested?
A: A lot.
D: And the odds of my getting arrested again for who knows what, uh, I need to be able to tell you things.
A: But you can always...
D: No, no, let me finish first. Although I know you would resist, the police could subpoena you, try and force you to reveal whatever I tell you.
A: I'd never...
D: You could be held in contempt if you refuse. You could end up in jail. On the other hand, if you had if you had spousal privilege...
A: (chuckles)
D: ...I could talk to you without worrying about you incriminating yourself later.
A: Denny,
D: For my peace of mind, what little piece I have left...
A: Let's be serious...
D: And I could transfer property to you without paying gift tax. And since the rate is 100%...
A: Denny, what we've got now is so great, why ruin it with marriage?
D: Who knows how long I have left?
A: You have a long time left...

Subject of Marriage Considered - Part 1
D: Have you given any more thought to my idea?
A: What idea? Marrying you.
D: We're committed to each other. Let's make it legal.

Marriage Agreed To
A: Denny, I've been thinking about what Shirley said. Loving life, loving your job.
D: We've always done both.
A: But will we under this new regime? If I could do anything, I think it would be to open my own legal aid firm.
D: What the hell is that?
A: Well, basically, it's a firm where you give your services away for free.
D: What's the point?
A: Denny, in this economy, those are going to be the first services cut, legal aid to the poor.
D: Oh. Do you think that I might like poor people? I've never taken the time to know one.
A: Oh, they can be very nice, once you get to know them. The problem is funding it. Plus, I must admit, I enjoy having money to travel, fish, eat well.
D: You know where this conversation is headed.
A: Where?
D: Straight to the altar.
A: (chuckles)
D: Alan, I have more money than God. Unless he timed the market. But I can't give it to you because the government will take half with the gift tax, and I can't die and leave it to you because of the estate tax. Don't get me started. If you were my spouse, I could give, I could leave it to you, what's mine is yours, the government can't touch it.
A: Or, for that matter, you could open a business, or start a foundation...
D: In which case you can't use it for incidentals, like travel, fishing, and the way you go after the government? They already audit you. They'll find a way to nail you for commingling, malfeasance, or whatever. The cleanest, simplest, most efficient transfer of property...is marriage. Plus all those other reasons Medical. Spousal privilege. Immunity.
A: It's beyond ridiculous. Even for us.
D: I've always wanted to remarry before I die.
A: Really. Why?
D: I just have. And, like it or not, you're the man I love. Think of all the, uh, what do you call them...poor people?
A: Yes.
D: Think of all the poor people you can help. Allocating my wealth to them. Not to the Iraq war, or the Wall Street bailout. Take my hand, Alan. Take my money.
A: I always thought if I were to get married again, it would be for love and romance...
D: You love me. Romance never lasts. Money can.
A: Okay Denny. I will marry you.
D: Really?
A: Why not? I suppose it had to come to this.
D: It'll be great.
A: Yes. It will.
D: Like jumping a shark.
A: Hey, How about we do it on the dock of Nimmo Bay?
D: Perfect! A salmon in one hand, me in the other.
A: Let no man tear asunder.

Application for Marriage License
A: We'd like to apply for a...marriage license.
C: You two are getting married.
D: Is there a reason we shouldn't?
C: You're heterosexual. Are you heterosexual?
A: Is that a problem? He completes me.

Subject of Marriage Considered - Part 2
S: You're getting married?
A: Is that wrong?
S: Well, Yes!
A: Why?
S: It's a sham, Alan!
A: It is not a sham.
S: Yes, it is no different than two people who are not really in love with each other marrying for a green card.
A: First of all, I love Denny. I believe he loves me. And there's no requirement that a couple be in love. In fact, given the current divorce rate, one might say that the most insidious problem with marriage is that people make life altering decisions while in love. It's a drug. A toxic one at that, and scientifically proven to wear off.
S: What's toxic is your cynicism. I think your little scheme is dishonest.

Notice of Injunction against Marriage
C: I have a document for Mr. Shore and Mr. Crane.
A: I'll take it. Thank you. You've got to be kidding me!
S: What is it?
A: It's notice of an injunction proceeding seeking to stop Denny and me from getting married.
D: What?
A: That City Hall clerk must have ratted us out.
S: Who's filing?
A: The Massachusetts Chapter of the Gay and Lesbian League.
S: Excuse me?
A: Of all the hypocrisy! Katy, pull up whatever law you can on same sex marriage.

Court - Part 1
J: So, basically, this marriage is all about money.
A: Judge, I would guess a lot of marriages are. If you trace the institution to its origins, you'll discover that marriage had its roots in economics, not love, money.
P: I find it offensive.
A: Why?
P: I'll tell you why. Speaking as a gay man, we have had to fight long and hard for this right. We have suffered ridicule, hatred, gay bashing...
A: You're preaching to the all boys' choir. We're with you on that.
P: No, you're making a mockery of it.
A: We're doing no such thing.
P: You're blatant heterosexuals.
A: So what? Are you proposing a rule that every couple be sexually active or procreational, because that one's been used against you.
P: Your Honor, this is exactly what the Religious Right and conservative movements have been warning of. If we allow same sex marriage, what next? Well, this is what's next. You will see people exploiting same sex unions to circumvent...
A: You hypocrite!
J: All right.
A: He's suggesting we go into some kind of discovery as to why two people want to marry. The very kind of invasive legislation...
J: This does seem a bit cynical. You're basically wanting to marry Denny Crane to skirt tax laws.
A: Your Honor, in this day and age the preservation of wealth is paramount. And, I'm sorry, before I see Mr. Crane's money go to fund immoral wars or less moral government bailouts, I'd rather see it go to me. The plans I have for it are far more philanthropic. And by the way, I love him, okay? I love the man. He loves me. We're partners. To say that we cannot get married because we don't have sex is just as preposterous and bigoted as banning marriage based on who a person chooses to have sex with.
P: He will be fueling the fire to pass a constitutional ban against...
A: You're the one stoking the embers. For what it's worth, this isn't just about money. There are medical reasons. He happens to be suffering from an incurable illness...
P: You can do that by proxy.
A: He doesn't want to. He wants a partner. A legal spouse.
P: Why?
A: That's his prerogative. His privacy. Do you seek to invade that, too?
J: All right. I have heard the arguments. Let me take an hour, and I will decide.
P: You have no idea what you'll be stirring up.
J: All right.

Court - Part 2
J: All right, look. I do find this union to be primarily based on money. I also agree with Mr. Pinnard. This is the exact kind of exploitation the Christian Right and others fear. But I also recognize people marry for all sorts of reasons. It's not the government's place to ask why. Mr. Pinnard, there are many gays who marry heterosexuals. Also gays who marry gays of the opposite sex because they want to start a family, be co-parents. Nothing to do with romantic love. I hardly think you believe the government should step in and stop that. Same sex unions are legal in Massachusetts. Your motion for an injunction is denied.
D: The dock, on Nimmo Bay.
A: We'll go directly from DC.
D: We're going to need someone from Massachusetts to perform the ceremony.
A: Your Honor, by any chance do you like to fish?

Immediately after (Double) Wedding, when Denny Reaches for Shirley's Hand Instead of Alan's
A: Are you going to be serious about this? Because if not...
D: Alan, I've never been more serious about anything in my entire life.
J: ...and cherish, till death do you part?
A: I do.
J: Do you all understand what it means to be married? This is a sacred thing. The commitment to love one another. To be there for each other no matter what. Do you really all get that?
S: (For all) We get it, Your Honor.
J: Look at me. By the powers vested in me as Justice of the Supreme Court and by the Powers of the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, I can't speak for Canada, I now pronounce you...husband and husband. What God has brought together let no man and no court tear asunder.
D: I love you, man.
A: I love you, too, Denny.

Personal Wedding Night Celebration
D: We're married.
A: Can you believe it!?! We will face ridicule, Denny, abuse. Don't be fooled.
D: It's all worth it. I love ya.
A: I love you, too. You know, I was watching you dance with Shirley and, for a second, I thought you were having one of your moments where you actually believed you and she...
D: Had one of those moments yesterday.
A: You thought she was your wife?
D: No, I thought you were my son. Proud moment for a dad, I'll tell you that, having you as my son. That's something. Are we gonna stay with this firm or are we going to open a new one?
A: We don't have to decide tonight. Let's just sit here like an old married couple. You know, I was a little hurt. You danced with Shirley, instead of...
D: Here we go...
A: I'm just saying...
D: Come on.
A: We did get married. I think a little attention is in order before your eye starts roving.
D: You wanted a dance?
A: I did.
D: Let's do it now.
A: Oh, the moment has passed.
D: No, it hasn't. We're here. Now. We're in the moment.
A: I don't want a mercy dance.
D: Is this the way it's going to be? Alan. Our wedding dance.
A: Don't try anything funny, and I want to lead.
D: Why should you...
A: You got to lead with Shirley. It's my turn. Let's dance...you're leading!
D: I'm not.
A: Well, then quit shoving me around.
D: If you plan to dominate me in this marriage, let's undo it right now!
A: Oh, well, that's, "'Till Death Do Us Part" commitment.
D: I can call Scalia right now...
A: Just be quiet. Seize the moment. It's our wedding night.
D: It's our wedding night!
Both chuckle.

    Later.
- posted by Gail Rae @ 08:30   email  this post