The Mom & Me Journals dot Net
The definitive, eccentric journal of an unlikely caregiver, continued.

Apologia for these journals:
    They are not about taking care of a relative with moderate to severe Alzheimer's/senile dementia.
    For an explanation of what these journals are about, click the link above.
    For internet sources that are about caring for relatives with moderate to severe
        Alzheimer's/senile dementia, click through the Honorable Alzheimer's Blogs in my
        links section to the right.

7 minute Audio Introduction to The Mom & Me Journals [a bit dated, at the moment]

Saturday, December 27, 2008
 
Earlier today I officially "closed off" some of the other sections of these journals...
...the obvious ones that simply can't take any more of their usual posts: Life After Death Sentencing; Mom's Daily Tests & Meds; Caring. About Food.. I announced Mom's death on most of the others, where it seemed appropriate. In all cases I included the assumption that, as time continues and I reread what I've written over the past years in these journals, I may find reason to ruminate in any and all of them about discoveries in arrears. It wouldn't surprise me, for instance, if I continue Essaying the Situation, at least.
    I had a wonderful Christmas holiday with family and friends. I was surprised at how ready I was for visiting. It surprises me even more that I'm considering that I may feel the need, in my future, for much more people contact than I've preferred during the last several years of my companionship with Mom. When I first realized this I was thinking that the level of contact I seem to be wanting, now, is even more than I wanted when I was living alone, before Mom and I began our adventure. But, looking back, for all my isolationist tendencies, I've actually always included a fair amount of contact in my life with friends and relatives. So, I guess I'm just readjusting to my previous parameters. I'm considering pleading myself into another Valley visit with friends over the New Year...it was that good to be with others over Christmas. Then, soon after, another one of my sisters will be visiting and I am relishing that visit.
    I was also surprised to discover that I was a wee bit anxious when I entered my home, last night, after the trip back up the mountain, knowing that I would be alone with my kitties. Thank the gods the kitties were here. I think the anxiety, which is low level, is due to knowing that I've embarked, suddenly, on "the rest of my life" (god, how I hate that phrase) and not only have no plans, I have no idea what I will "do" with it, other than what I'm already doing, which is maintaining a holding pattern in this odd area between my past and my future. I think, usually, there is often something from the past that continues through one's present in these situations, one's work, the rest of one's family, etc. So, I'm in a fairly unique and potentially nervy position, here. I still envy others their continuing jobs and concerns which I imagine will bring them safely through this kind of period without the possibility of frightening missteps...but am beginning to feel a stir of excitement about the position I'm in, as well: That of someone who has the opportunity to redraw the outer circumstances of her life; maybe even the inner circumstances, as well. I imagine some of my direction will come from the need to find work within the next few months; some will come from discoveries I make about the differences between who I was previous to becoming my mother's companion and caregiver against who I am, now; some will come from examining my interests, past and present, and considering whether and how they will bloom into the future. I continue, as well, to feel a natural (I think) desire to prove to my mother (not at her behest, but at mine) that I can rise above the pitfalls of such a time as this and "make something" of my "new" life that would please both her and me.
    Everything seems to be "up in the air"...including me; at times. I find myself catching on a mental attitude of extreme omniscience, as though I'm viewing my life from a point in space far removed from where I actually am. It's a fairly pensive place to be. I've tried zooming back in but it seems these periods have their own obstinacy and refuse to release me until they are ready.
    I noticed a message on my voice mail from yesterday: The death certificates we ordered are ready for pick-up. I'm not quite ready for them, for the business they predict, actually, but, you know, I think this "not quite ready" feeling is something that's going to follow me for awhile. I'm not worried, I should slog through without getting too much mud too far up the legs of my jeans. That's what I'm hoping, anyway.
    In the meantime, hmmm...well, I guess I'm living in Mean Time..."mean" as in "equally far from two extremes". Which reminds me. I've discovered that my watch, while continuing to tell time perfectly, is displaying the date wrong and has taken to displaying the day of the week backwards, as well as sometimes displaying it in English and sometimes in another language. I'm delighted about this. It reminds me, every time I look at it, that I'm in transition from timelessness back to timing...and suggests that I have options about how I wish time to conduct itself in my life. That should be fun!
    Later.
Comments:
Gail,

I'm glad you spent time with family and friends in the last few days.

It's odd about situations like yours - at the same time you're mourning, you have to figure out what to do with the rest of your life. It's an incredible opportunity, right when you might not feel like taking advantage of it! I know you'll work it out, and I look forward to reading about that process!

Happy 2009...

Mona
 
Have a wonderful 2009, Gail. For you, this will truly be a "new" year.
 
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