The Mom & Me Journals dot Net
The definitive, eccentric journal of an unlikely caregiver, continued.

Apologia for these journals:
    They are not about taking care of a relative with moderate to severe Alzheimer's/senile dementia.
    For an explanation of what these journals are about, click the link above.
    For internet sources that are about caring for relatives with moderate to severe
        Alzheimer's/senile dementia, click through the Honorable Alzheimer's Blogs in my
        links section to the right.

7 minute Audio Introduction to The Mom & Me Journals [a bit dated, at the moment]

Sunday, November 02, 2008
 
If you've been visiting over the last few days...
...you've probably noticed that I haven't been visiting, much; in particular, I haven't been keeping up on stats and movement reports at the associated journal sections. I just updated those today and figured an update is in order here.
    Whatever Mom was fighting, and it seems it was probably a cold, it didn't develop into pneumonia, thank the gods for that. I started adding a tablet of garlic (1,250 mg) to her morning pills on Thursday. This used to be a regular supplement but it was taken off her pill regimen when she received her last transfusion in September of 2007 because garlic is an anticoagulant. It is, as well, though, a natural antibiotic and it seemed to me that it might be a good idea to add a dose every day, just as a precaution. At this point she looks as though she's holding her own, anemically speaking, and, anyway, with all the added information I've learned about the link between anemia and cancer, I strongly suspect that her anemia has never been the result of internal bleeding. I have no idea whether the garlic "worked", but as of yesterday she was doing better, physically, than she has in awhile, including that her feet swelling dropped to nothing over Friday night and remained in her normal range, which is very slight as evening approaches, which is why I always rub her legs down at night.
    However, I have, mysteriously, not been doing so well emotionally. I'm not sure why. Although definitely not in my usual fall "up" state, I thought I was doing pretty well, then, on my birthday I was overcome by a severe bout of grouchiness, so bad, in fact, that it seemed I could say nothing to my mother in a gentle tone. I was resenting having to yell every time I talked to her just so she could hear me. I was resenting the amount of physical contact I have to have with her. I was resenting stupid things like the unusual amount of sunshine and the balmy temperatures we've been having for fall, and it all came out on my birthday. My mother, because she was aware it was Halloween, was excited because she remembered that it was my birthday. I, though, wasn't won over by her remembrance. What a dick-head I was! This, too despite some sweet, unexpected birthday surprises the evening before my birthday and on my birthday, both of which should have jump-started me out of my dolorous mood but did so for only about an hour at a time.
    Yesterday I still hadn't shaken my mood so I figured it would be best if I wheeled Mom around the house as much as possible, whether or not she was up for walking, because the more she walks the more close physical contact we have and the more coaching I have to perform. This was fine with Mom. She was surprised, probably because she felt so good and was performing so well, but she was okay with my decision. I suspect it was because she detected that I was still feeling the need for distance. I handled it better, though, yesterday. I wasn't snappish, I wasn't barking, I wasn't mean, but I was very removed: I didn't start conversations. I finished off her attempts to converse with one word responses and lack of eye contact. I coached what little is necessary during transfers with hand and body signals, which she understood since I autonomically use hand and body signals when I'm verbally coaching, anyway. I think my distance tired her out, though, because she was up a bit less, yesterday, than usual.
    I'm not sure how today is going to proceed. I'm not resolved toward any mood, in particular, which is a promise in minor, I think. Mom already hit her 12 hour sleep mark at 1330. I checked on her, roused her a little. She made it clear she wanted "more time". I may let her go until 1500. There's a low going through, too, and it is significantly cooler than it has been for weeks, so that may have something to do with her feeling like she'd like some extra sleep.
    I rarely become agitated with caring for her, anymore, it's all so automatic and closely intertwined in our relationship, so the last few days has caught me by surprise, as has my reluctance to try to modify my attitude. Maybe it has something to do with Birthday Mystique...you know, that nugget of birthday selfishness that is installed in us when we're children and which reminds us, decade after decade, no matter what we say to the general public about not caring about our birthdays "anymore", that our birthday is a special day and, somehow, our immediately environment should note this and bow to our whims. Certainly, my immediate environment took note in two touching, surprising, especially appropriate ways but, this year it just wasn't enough.
    Maybe today will be a better day for me and, thus, for Mom.
    Later.
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