The visit went well, I think, all things considered.
    Both MPS and I tired easily, trying to keep up with Mom's hours and MPS' hours. At one point, the last evening she was there, we both got a bit edgy. She freaked about a rather large spider that had decided to crawl around underneath the futon couch which had functioned as her bed the night before and was due to perform the same service that night. I don't have a problem with spiders in our house; in fact, I like that we have lots of them. They keep the insects down. However, when they bother others, I allow for their demolition. I was too tired to care that night, though, so told MPS, if she wanted to kill the spider, fine, but I wasn't going to help her. She ended up sleeping in her car that night.
    A little later in the evening, after tempers had further frayed and I was additionally edgy because Mom was having some difficulty breathing, which led me to give her 10 mg furosemide, I snapped without necessity at MPS when I realized it was going to be a wheeling-to-bed night. I "ordered" her, in no uncertain terms, that when I pushed Mom up the ramp she needed to stay out of the way and not attempt to help. It would look as though I would need help, I told her, but not only do I not, but help could easily create a disaster.
    She snapped back that I needn't "order" her, I could have simply asked.
    She was right.
    I know, for the most part, we all enjoyed our time together. An additional observation is that it's very hard on company trying to keep up with Mom's and my schedule and equally hard on me trying to keep up with the schedules of visitors and Mom. I'm still kind of dazed, even though it's been nigh on 36+ hours since MPS left.

    Weird thing, too. MPS and I had many chances to talk and I discovered, as I was talking to her, that, this year, I am not at all excited, or even interested, in my birthday or the month of October. This a complete reverse of previous years. I can't remember ever not looking forward to my birthday, just because it's such a damned spectacular day (it's Halloween). I usually start looking forward to it on October 1st. Even when (and this is usual) I want to spend my birthday alone, I absolutely revel in the month and the day. Not happening this year. Since becoming aware enough of this odd turn of mood after having mentioned it to MPS, I've been trying to figure out why this is happening. I've ruled out the possibility that Mom being on Hospice, thus, more obviously close to death, has anything to do with it, especially since she isn't actually reacting to anything any differently than she has over the last three or four years. It has occurred to me, though, that the Hospice/Impending Death pronouncement has brought to the fore, for me, the awareness that my life, as I've lived it for almost 15 years, now, is close to ending. This doesn't scare me, really, but it has driven me into constant contemplation beneath everything else I do. My mother has noticed it. She has, frequently, over the last several weeks, assumed that I'm either "tired" or "in a mood" when I'm not. But, I know I must be appearing highly distracted to her. Despite my overall feelings of peace and contentment, this distraction, I guess, colors the way I appear to her. I'm not sure if it affects the way others are experiencing me, now. I wasn't aware of it until just recently.

    Anyway, the visit is over, I've updated the recently neglected Movement and Dailies journals, there is nothing of significance at either, and, well, I think I'll just kind of fool around, now, until it's time to awaken The Mom for the evening. I'm glad it's Saturday. I'd like to spend a few more days in this distracted daze before I have to meet reality head on, again. Maybe I can artfully wrangle a distracted, dazy Monday and Tuesday out of the upcoming week.
    Later.
- posted by Gail Rae @ 20:28   email  this post