Oh, forgot this one funny thing...
...that happened yesterday, although the humor will probably be lost in translation.
    While my mother was napping I stole some reading time in Final Journeys. One of the aspects of reading this book, for me, is that the stories are allowing me to process some of my lingering pre-grief over Mom's eventual death, which, lately, has been coming to the fore, again. Of course, over the last few days I've been especially vulnerable because I've been especially tired. Anyway, by the time I walked back into Mom's bedroom for her second from-nap-awakening I was in full tears mode. I'd wiped away the first flow before entering her bedroom but once she was sitting up and I was sitting on the ground for our usual post-awakening conversation, the tears returned.
    Mom noticed. "My goodness, child," she exclaimed, "you do take after your father, don't you!?! What is it, now?"
    "I've just been thinking, Mom," I stuttered, "how much I'm going to miss you after you die."
    She stared hard at me in consternation. "That's what you were thinking about?!?" She was clearly indignant.
    I burst out laughing. This is not the proper home for such outlandish sentiments. I know this. Silly me that I persist in indulging myself in such ridiculous thought! If I insist on doing this, fine, but do it on my own time!
    Truth is, my mother's attitude actually helps me. I'm learning, from this most recent Hospice book, that most Hospice pros would probably consider my mother's attitude one of denial (touched by Dementia-Lite). It's not. Her life-long attitude toward death has been: Death happens. You can't stop it. In most cases, you can't control it, so, don't dwell on it, don't worry about it, deal with it when it comes but, otherwise, if you're alive, well, that's what you do. You live. And, in the meantime, if you find yourself considering yourself immortal, so much the better.
    I just finished having a conversation with MPS. She's coming up to visit, tomorrow, for a few days. I told her about the most recent book I'm reading about Hospice care, mentioning, particularly, the parts of it that are clearly not appropriate for my mother's "journey", the most obvious of which is [paraphrased] "using this time (the dying time) to try to make the dreams of the dying one come true, making memories, etc." My sister laughed. So, frankly, did I. We both know, as my sister said, Mom is doing what she wants to do; she's in her own home, she's with family, she can sleep pretty much as much as she wants, I'm not restricting her diet anymore and she's being cared for by someone who allows her to continue to consider that she is caring for herself.
    MPS said, "If we told Mom we were going to 'make a memory', you know what she'd say: 'Fine. Just be quiet about it. I'm going to take a nap.'"
    That's the woman for whom I need to carve out a place in Hospice philosophy. That's my mom.
    Later.
- posted by Gail Rae @ 11:51   email  this post