"You don't know how lucky I am to have you here!"
    Mom said this to me out of the blue today as we were walking her into her bedroom for her nap. I have no idea where it came from. As I recall, I'd just performed one of her favorite bits of goofing on her as she was making her way through the hall from the bathroom into the bedroom, supporting herself with the walls on either side of her. I stood in her bedroom door, rubbing my hands in mock glee, luring her on, saying, "Come into my parlor, said the spider to the fly."
    It's one of our perennial teasers. We have loads of them:

• When awakening her from a period of sleep: "Open your eye. Open your other eye. Now open your other eye."
• When I serve her dinner, especially when I'm serving something of which both of us are unsure: "Yet another gastronomic delight from the kitchen of Chef Hudson and Company," to which she always replies, "Oh, we're having company tonight? Well, bring them out!"
• When I'm cleaning her ass and she's particularly annoyed about it: "You know, when I was nine (or, sometimes I'll say 'eleven') I didn't suddenly awaken one morning and say to myself, 'When I grow up I want to clean my mother's ass after her bowel movements."
• When she becomes annoyed with me directing her, step by step, through tricky movements as she's shuffling around the house, when I'm done I'll often add, "Okay, now, stand on your head," or "Okay, now, do a back flip," or "Okay, now, drop and give me 50."

    Anyway, the point of all this is that what she said to me today made me realize that the heart of our life together, what makes it work and allows us to thrive exists in these little moments throughout the day. This is what makes the difference between being cared for by a loving relative at home and being cared for in a nursing home, no matter how bonded one becomes to one's shift RNs and CNAs. After rolling my mother around in bed to change her diaper-like briefs or blasting her out of sleep at 0600 to stab her for blood, slap breathing treatments on her and force pills down her, the staff not only wasn't obligated to stay and, therefore, obligated to reaffirm a bond that can become precarious during such duties, I can't recall that any of them ever did this; some of them may have had the interest but none of them had the time. When you have to stay around and negotiate the hard moments after the dirty chores you can't help but reach a level of intimacy with your care recipient that strengthens the utility of the bond and its ability to inspire both people to continue their shared lives in good humor and optimism. This is the difference between care in a facility and care at home with someone who's always there. Biiiiig difference!
    She feels she is lucky to have me here. What do you know! I'm lucky she feels this way.
    We had an interesting conversation after Mom's breakfast about hospice, lung cancer and death. I'm too tired to go into it tonight but I'll try to post what I remember tomorrow.
    The Hospice Nurse visits tomorrow. And I've got a few errands to run before Mom awakens.
    Later.
- posted by Gail Rae @ 02:13   email  this post