My mother has walkered twice today, so far.
    Once, this morning, from the dinette to the stairs leading into the living room, then descended the stairs. Once, again, from her rocking chair in the living room to the stairs leading into the foyer, then ascended the stairs (with my help, of course). She asked for the wheelchair after both runs (the first from the stairs to the rocker, the second from the stairs to the bathroom), and that was fine. When I asked her, both times, if what she'd done was "hard", she said, "No." Definitively. So, we're making some progress.
    She still, obviously, has her cold, but she seems to be feeling better.
    I, however, remain frayed at the edges. During a particularly churlish period this morning before she awoke I considered giving this level of caregiving two weeks at the inside, a month at the outside. The inside limit is in case I find I simply can't adjust at all. The outside limit is if it looks, optimistically, like I can adjust but I find, two weeks beyond the first two weeks, the care required seems to be ramping up more quickly than I can adjust. I'm not feeling good about this. Today, during our bathing of Mom, I was feeling so miserable about the possibilities that I confessed to Mom, in tears, yes, that I was afraid that I might have to break my promise to her to see to it that she is always cared for in her own home by me and that she is allowed to die here. At this moment this is how I feel, and I am beside myself with grief that this exhaustion has me by my previous resolve.
    I don't know. We'll see. I'm concerned that I'm actually putting time limits on myself in regard to my ability to meet these new requirements of our adventure. I've never done this. And, if it happens that I can't hack this I will hand Mom over to my sisters and disappear, as I know I will not be able to witness what will become of Mom if I fail.
    So, that's where I am now, folks. A long, long way from home, even though Mom is finally and securely home.
    Later.
- posted by Gail Rae @ 18:52   email  this post