I've heard Mom coughing off and on for a little over an hour...
...and checked on every episode but her eyes have remained resolutely closed, telling me she isn't ready for me to consider her coughing reconnaissance. I'm going to attempt to arouse her at 1300, which will be her 12 hour sleep mark. Even though today isn't one of her favorite days (cloudy, rainy, cool, muggy; which are, of course, my favorite), I'm expecting success, as I can tell she's already worked her way out of sleep...she's just hanging out in that "I don't want to get up yet" zone.
    I just finished Final Gifts. At this point, I'm grateful for the practical reminders it sets forth that will keep me on my toes. MPBIL and I had a bit of conversation yesterday about "nearing death awareness" in which one word he used triggered an interesting reminder for me. The word he used, as he confirmed what I meant when repeating the label the book uses for these experiences, was "neurological". And, of course, they are, although the book discusses them in a social, psychological and spiritual context. For the next several hours my brain quietly worked on a variety of issues related to these experiences and to life, itself:

• That, as Alan Watts put it, "“I think a tomato...is spiritual...” In other words, the physical is neurological and spiritual and the neurological and spiritual is physical.
• "We are always dying, every moment," which puts life in the perspective of it's end, is as legitimate as saying that we are always being born, every moment or we are always living every moment. The catch is to determine the perspective of the one for whom you are caring and to perceive changes in that perspective, if they should happen.
• Whether or not the experiences related in the book are "real" is beside the point. All of our experiences take place in the same amorphous reality as do these final experiences, I think, and acceptance that they are happening and having an impact are what is important, not trying to determine whether they are "real". Maybe a substitution of the word "true" for the word "real" would help some people. For me, I think, it's enough to know, in the case of my mother, that the experiences she's been having for years in the context of what I call The Dead Zone happen for her and affect her and my life together. I'm expecting that any experiences she has while in any future "dying phase" will have the same effect
• The final chapter of the book, which summarizes suggestions for approaching the dying of one's care recipient, are especially valuable to me. Some of the approaches I already incorporate; they've become necessary through the last more than a few years of my mother's life, especially considering her dementia. Some of them I haven't yet incorporated but suspect I will find valuable.
• One short section of the final chapter urges the caregiver to analyze why they are where they are with the care recipient and doing what they are doing; i.e., what are their expectations, what are they getting out of it, how much of what they are doing is obligation, how much is related to some other desire. As I consider these questions I find my self satisfied with the answers that I am here because she asked; I remain because it suits my mother and me. Funny, although, normally, I am attracted to in depth, endless analyzing of just about everything, in these journals, throughout the years, I feel as though I've analyzed these questions enough. I no longer question my being here, nor my mother's desire to have me here. Maybe I will, again, later. But, for now, it's enough that I'm here, so is she, and we're pleased that we've been able to do this, this life, together and can continue to do it, together.
• I did a fair amount of highlighting but, in scanning through my highlights, I'm struck that, without exception, what I highlighted are reminders to consider this or that approach, if necessary, or try this or that interpretation, if necessary. I'm hoping to find some time to delineate some of what I consider the more important highlightings here.

    Ahh, now that one sounded like a reconnaissance cough! Right on time.
    Later.
- posted by Gail Rae @ 12:45   email  this post