The Mom & Me Journals dot Net: <a href="http://dying.about.com/od/reviews/gr/final_gifts_rev.htm">Final Gifts</a> Highlighting Continued

The definitive, eccentric journal of an unlikely caregiver, continued.

Apologia for these journals:
    They are not about taking care of a relative with moderate to severe Alzheimer's/senile dementia.
    For an explanation of what these journals are about, click the link above.
    For internet sources that are about caring for relatives with moderate to severe
        Alzheimer's/senile dementia, click through the Honorable Alzheimer's Blogs in my
        links section to the right.

7 minute Audio Introduction to The Mom & Me Journals [a bit dated, at the moment]

Monday, July 21, 2008

Final Gifts Highlighting Continued

"Okay, that's what's going to happen to my body," she said. "But what's going to happen to me?" --pg 134; para 9
If my mother has questions, and, frankly, I have no idea whether she will, regarding what dying is like, this piece of conversation struck me as very much the way my mother would ask her questions.
Dying people develop an awareness that they need to be at peace. --pg 141; para 1
Knowing that my mother is, at her core, and has been for decades and decades a woman who is at peace with herself, I'm very curious to know if, prior to dying, if and when she realizes dying is on her imminent event horizon, she will feel as though she is not at peace and what she will feel will bring her peace. She has often, in the past, told me that she feels she still "has something to do," although she hasn't been able to say what that is. I wonder if she still feels this way [Note to self: Ask!] and, if so, whether she yet knows what that "something" is...or, failing that bit of knowledge at this time, whether it will come to her just previous to her death. Intriguing!
But sometimes the request is less clear. It may be missed, seen as unimportant, or labeled as confusion. --pg 141; para 3
Yet another reminder to myself to try to remain alert and "hear" her requests, if there are any.
[Agitation] may be what occurs when someone seems to die in pain; rather than physical, the pain may be emotional or spiritual. --pg 141; para 3
I highlighted this because it reminds me of my father's death and my consideration that he probably wasn't in physical pain when he died but, because of MPS recollection, which she shared with me, of his death mask and because I know that when my mother left the Veteran's hospital just before he died he pleaded with her not to go but she was too exhausted to stay, he was probably in emotional/psychological/spiritual pain.
Anne had wanted the bust to stop for her—to die—at the nursing home so no one would know of her clandestine relationship. If her message had gone unheard, would she have died that night?..she died more easily knowing she had avoided being a source of embarrassment to anyone. --pg 155; para 4
I just found this particular story interesting in it's assertions about the personalization of death. Good reminder, really...that, just as each life is unique, so is each death. I wonder what eccentric spins my mother will put on death.
The realization of the need for reconciliation that is part of Nearing Death Awareness seems to be similar to the effect of "seeing one's whole life pass before one's eyes" encountered in some near-death experiences. In both circumstances, people focus on relationships. --pg 158; para 7
I highlighted this because I question if this is always true when people have such an experience previous to death. Does it never happen that someone who is dying seeks reconciliation of ideas rather than of relationships? Isn't this of what spiritual reconciliation would consist?
One way to discover needs for reconciliation is to encourage a mental inventory of accomplishments and disappointments. --pg 159; para 2
I'm wondering if it is smart to encourage this without knowing whether the dying person in question feels a need for reconciliation. If it appears as though that person does, then this is probably a good idea. If not, though, it seems to me it would be irritating to the person to have someone at one's side insisting on such an inventory.
Many people, as they're dying, want to feel that their having been alive has been significant, that they made some difference in this world and in the lives of those around them. --pg 159; para 4
My love of It's a Wonderful Life notwithstanding, I've often wondered if deciding to acquiesce to such a value put to one's life isn't perhaps part of the process of death; in other words, if one has the time as one is dying, if determining such a value in regard to one's life isn't automatic. Just wondering.
Telling us about "being held back" is a way dying people have of asking us to "look again—something's been missed!" --pg 161; para 4
Highlighted this as a reminder to myself.
"I understand," I said. "And I'll try to elp you find what you need." --pg 162; para 5
I like the attitude of this response; I hope, if my mother goes through a similar circumstance, I have the presence of mind to remember to have this attitude...and express it to her.
It wasn't what he had asked for, but it gave him some assurance, so he could get on with his dying. --pg 165; para 2
I want to remember this, as well, that even if all dying requests can't be met, honesty about the failure to do so may help the dying person let go.
Charles and Claude presented their needs in the impatient or frustrated manner that some people do, when something is delaying them or holding them back. --pg 169; para 7
My mother, to this point, hasn't been the kind of person who is impatient or frustrated when something she wants and/or needs isn't met; she is very tractable in this respect. However, I highlighted this in case the imminence of her death changes this aspect of her character and she reverses her tractability. It might be refreshing, for both of us, if this happens for her.
[In regard to communication with The Unseen] When this happens, the person usually isn't frightened but often has a look of wonder, recognition, joy, and sometimes puzzlement. --pg 173; para 1
Except for two instances that I can remember, one of which I experienced with her (the only one I've experienced), she usually spends time in The Dead Zone when I am not around and relates these episodes to me after the fact. I wondering if, in fact I'm hoping that, as she nears death I will be privy to some of these of her interactions. I highlighted this as a clue to help me know if I am present during one.
The AIDS virus was affecting his brain. --pg 176; para 3
I highlighted this because, despite my inefficient scan of the stories prior to finishing the book, this is one of a very few instances in which someone displayed dementia other than the dementia of death. Unfortunately, I found no information in the book about any differences in Nearing Death Awareness for the already demented versus those for people who are undergoing "only" the dementia of Nearing Death Awareness. At the suggestion of MPBIL I googled for information in a variety of ways. If someone has noticed this and written on it, the literature is so buried as to be impossible to find on the internet. I also discovered a disquieting fact: It seems that much of the current literature (keeping in mind that this book was copyrighted in 1992) continues to recommend medicating not only those with entrenched dementia but those experiencing Nearing Death Awareness dementia, as well.
Our need to nurture is intense. We survive, thrive, and grow, we comfort, celebrate, and reward ourselves—and the people we care about—with food and drink...Withholding it feels like denying love and nurturing—the very core issues of parenting. --pg 177; para 1
Or, it occurred to me, it may feel like our attempts at nurturing our being rebuffed, as though they are not good enough; which, of course, they aren't. Truly, I think, dying is rather like being born...there aren't any mentors available in the state one is in just previous to the experience who can guide one through it. At a certain point, perhaps, when one has the time to realize that one is dying, perhaps one also realizes that one's best use of one's energy is to attend to that which no one alive can help them and not worry about whether others feel rebuffed, nor whether others understand that one is, now, alone in one's adventure.
Just before they die, and usually without warning, some patients can muster an unusual strength. Unfortunately, some use that strength to try to get out of bed and subsequently fall. --pg 183; para 3
This is the sentence that alerted me to the possibility that my mother may fall into this category. She has fallen as a result of provocations which could be considered similar to this.
Family members should understand this [falling condition] and be vigilant. But it's cruel to blame themselves for something that wasn't their fault or due to their negligence because they didn't understand that dying people can exhibit a final burst of energy. And it's always worth considering the hidden meanings behind the fall, so as not to miss the important messages in this type of nonverbal communication. --pg 184; para 2
Thought I'd should highlight this in case such an episode happens at my mother's death and I need to be reminded of this.
People who develop Nearing Death Awareness know they're not dreaming when they see a place or beings that others cannot—the messages about what dying is like—... --pg 185; para 2
This certainly characterizes my mother's Dead Zone experiences.
...but dreams may help communicate about the second part of Nearing Death Awareness—what they need to die peacefully...The dreams of someone facing a terminal illness often relate to strong emotions, and contain clues about important needs. By listening carefully, we can help people explore those needs and feelings and sometimes find solutions. --pg 185; paras 1 & 3
I highlighted this in order to remind myself of the peculiar character of my mother's dreams in the last three years. They are non-event dreams. She dreams of being in a specific place and/or being with specific people but reports that nothing actually happens, she's just "there". She easily describes places and people, often people whom she doesn't know in "real" life. They are not frustrating for her. It occurred to me, when reading these paragraphs, that I should pay more attention to her when she relates these dreams, as they may contain clues regarding states that she would like to achieve with certain people (either people identified in the dream or people for whom avatars are stand-ins in the dream) prior to death. She has yet to relate such a dream as frustrating, though. They always seem to have a refreshing effect on her, as though she was in the place and the dream, itself, contains its own satisfaction.
"Maybe you're wondering about dying and what it's going to be like," I said. "He just died, so he should be able to tell you." --pg 187; para 11
Great way to approach a confusing terminal dream! I want to remember this, just in case!
"But I'm not dreaming now, and he's not here," she said...
..."Can I try to give you some answers?" I said.
"Yes, but I don't know the questions." --pg 188; paras 1-3
I just liked this little bit of conversation, especially the last line.
People's needs can be similar, but the way they express them, particularly in dreams, can be quite different. --pg 188; para 8
Highlighted this as a reminder that personal eccentricity is as rampant in death as it is in life.
I suggested perhaps we could identify how the dream made Jenny feel; recognizing the feeling behind a dream often reveals its meaning. --pg 190; para 2
Good reminder regarding possible attempts I might make to analyze any of my mother's dreams.
I described what I thought would happen: how she'd get weaker and not want to talk, smile, eat, or drink, and that then she wouldn't even feel like breathing; and her breathing would stop. --pg 191; para 4
Succinct explanation. Want to remember this, for myself as well as, if it is necessary to rely on it, for my mother.
Identifying the feelings...lead to the same need: information, which we had and could share with them. --pg 191; last para
Yet, again, highlighted as a reminder.
Sometimes dreams cause feelings of fear; exploring those feelings can be particularly important. --pg 193; para 5
I highlighted this as a reminder that, although my mother is rarely a woman who appears to feel fear, it's possible that she might, especially if the imminence of her death surprises her. I need to be alert for this.
Usually the best interpreter of any dream is the dreamer. --pg 194; para 5
Absolutely. Must remember not to jump in too quickly if and when my mother has dreams, pre-death, that she wants to relate.
Dreams that frighten a person may relate to fears about illness or dying; dreams full of anxiety may mean a person is worried about family, expenses, or arrangements that need to be made. Dreams that are puzzling often indicate a need for information. Very often simply talking about their dreams helps the dying figure out what it is they are concerned about or need. --pg 196; last para
Good dream discussion check list.
At her father's funeral, Kathleen told a coworker about the irony of her reaction to his last comments. She remarked on the ease with which she'd become enmeshed in the web of pain, conflict, and assumption that can confuse those taking care of a dying person they love, causing her to miss her father's real message, even though she was a seasoned health professional. --pg 202; para 2
Good point. Want to remember to make time and mental space for compassonate listening.
But I have learned that when dying people have important goals more often than not they reach them. --pg 206; para 1
Surprising and comforting tip.
...because of the disease in her brain, when she was awake, her thought processes were fragmented.
Highlighted as one of the few examples in the book of someone who experienced dementia other than the dementia of nearing death.
The quality of her life seemed so poor we wondered what was holding her back. --pg 206; para 9
A reminder not to presuppose what the quality of someone's life is to them; all we can know for sure is how we think we might feel under the same circumstances and, not having been in those circumstances, we are probably wrong about ourselves as well as about the person we are observing.

    Whoa! The Mom's up! I'll finish...
    ...later.
- posted by Gail Rae @ 19:03   email

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All material, except that not written by me, copyright at time of posting by Gail Rae Hudson