...but first, a note about our sponsors...
    The Social Worker asked me a startlingly appropriate question yesterday that I have to mention because I so appreciated his take on "things". He asked me, in a roundabout way after asking me how I am doing, if what he was observing in my behavior is normal for me. I was open, animated and slightly edgy (physically, not socially). I laughed and said, "Yeah, this is normal for me, so I'm doing well."
    He laughed and responded with a version of, "So, this is as good as it gets."
    Later in the conversation he acknowledged that he was already aware that my approach to life is to analyze it...and even later we discussed my habit of what he appropriately labeled "catastrophic thinking." It was a relief to be accepted for who I am.
    My mother was in great humor during the visit. I'm noticing that she's tending more toward allowing the ironic comedian side of her personality more play than previously when in the company of others. The Social Worker acknowledged her marked sense of humor, too, by mentioning that humor is, indeed important. After he left I thought about this slight tweak in her persona. I'm guessing that part of this "new, more entertaining Ancient One" is her way of dealing, socially, with all the unaccustomed attention she's been receiving, lately, and part of it is an indication that her life is becoming a bit harder, from a health standpoint, than she's used to so she's working to lighten up the atmosphere a bit.
    Today is Hospice Nurse and Hospice Spiritual Counselor day. I made brownies last night in response to mention from my mother in the afternoon that her "sweet tooth is screaming." We have plenty left and nothing pleases my mother more than to offer food to visitors. So, we should have a good day, despite getting an early start.
    A little more book highlighting before I have to shower and awaken the Mom:

• As Cathy's mother had played such a strong role in her life, I wondered if she felt that her mother might hold her back. She'd been a powerful influence on Cathy. --pg 207; para 3
  This was written into the story of a woman who maneuvered the time of her death so that she died alone. The mention of the influence her mother had on her caused me to consider the equally powerful influence I have on my mother and how my mother might maneuver through it to make it to her death. I came up with no insight. My knowledge of her, now, is so multi-faceted that I'm not sure whether she will want to die privately, without me in her room, or she will want me at her side as she dies. Mainly, I want to try to remain alert to what her preference might be as the time approaches and do what I can to accommodate her wishes.
• An important message here to nurses as well as to other health-care personnel is that some patients, despite our insistence that it's not their resonsibility, will try to take care of us. --pg 208; para 1
  I'm surprised that "caregivers" weren't mentioned in this sentence, but I certainly identify with this statement. My mother is convinced that, most of the time, she is taking care of me. In some oblique and curious ways she is correct. The way I handle this is to acknowledge, for her, that we do, indeed, take care of each other, as we do, and allow her to decide what "responsibilit[ies]" she is filling in my life.
• "Of course, what mattered was not what I wanted or what I thought was best, but what Jean wanted, and what she thought would be best for Barbara. --pg 210; para 1
  Just a further reminder to keep my eyes "on the prize", which is allowing my mother's wishes as much sway as possible.
• ...it was quite possible that she could control the timing of her death so it would occur on a Friday. --pg 215-216; last para-1st para
  I wonder if my mother will control the timing of her death. I wonder if she will feel the need to do this. I hope I'm able to be sensitive enough to pick up on this and work with her, if she chooses to do this.
• He rallied for a few days, energized by his role as "host" for this family gathering, but then weakened to the point of being bedridden and barely able to swallow or talk. --pg 220; para 2
  This is a good description of something my mother would do; rally for guests, then relax and allow herself her sway.
• But none of us, except Greers mom, though to tell him when to go. --pg 221; para 6
  I've been thinking that, of course, my mother must know that her choice of dying time is fine with me, whenever she chooses. However, this sentence reminded me that perhaps I should tell her this as it becomes apparent to me that she knows she's in her "dying phase".
• Most people believe that we die when "ou time is up," or when an illness finally overcomes the body; they see death as passive and the dying person as powerless. In fact, many people ar able to exercise some control over their deaths; knowing about that control—of the time, the circumstances, and the people present—makes dying seem less passive and helps show that dying people do have power. --pg 222; para 4
  I am pleased with this statement of one's power regarding death, especially, of course, when one is dying "slowly". I'm excited to discover how my mother exerts her considerable natural power over her death.
• Be honest about having trouble understanding. One way is to say, "I think you're trying to tell me something important and I'm trying very hard, but I'm just not getting it. I'll keep on trying. Please don't give up on me." --pg 227; para 3
  Although I tend to think I already do this, I want to be alert to the possibility that I may find understanding Mom during her "dying phase" frustrating and be alert enough to dial back the frustration and keep trying.
• Don't push. Let the dying control the breadth and depth of the conversation —they may not be able to put their experiences into words; insisting on more talk may frustrate or overwhelm them. --pg 227; para 3
  Considering how verbal my mother and I are, this is a pertinent reminder to me.
• Recognize the differences that distinguish Nearing Death Awareness form near-death experiences. Patients with Nearing Death Awareness are not clinically dead, often have such experiences over time and in a more gradual way, and usually can talk during the experiences, making them able to share these insights with others. You can help them in their struggles to share this information, and can learn from them as well. --pg 230; para 2
  I don't think I'll have a problem with this but tagging this as a reminder is a good idea, anyway.

    That's it, folks. The value of this book for me wasn't so much in the initial reading of it, but going back over what I highlighted, remembering why each section I highlighted struck me and consciously contemplating the ramifications of what I highlighted "in light" of my mother's and my lived together life.
    Thank you, readers, for your indulgence. It has been much appreciated.
    Time to shower, rouse the Mom, and begin our up-together day.
    Later.
- posted by Gail Rae @ 10:30   email  this post